It has been awfully quiet around here. For good reason though. I have been on a holiday, during which I tried to explain to the boyfriend how important this little project is for me. I am in the middle of moving from one place to the next and I work 34 hours a week nowadays.
On top of that I have had a bit of a setback. I decided it might be a good idea to organize some of the stuff I have already written and found out that I have been working on an outdated version. Also - but I already knew I had to fix this from the start - I made a mistake when numbering my chapters, which practically gives a hole of 4 chapters. This, I can all live with and fix.
The big bummer actually came from the boyfriend. I tried to explain to him that I HAVE to get published and I am very scared to get rejected. He didn't understand. At all. He was like 'yeah, well you just have to stop thinking that your life depends on getting published or not. It's not a big deal if it fails'. I couldn't believe he was being so cruel. Had I not made it clear to him that this is something I really wanted? And yes, of course, my life doesn't depend on it, but if I do get published I could die a happy writer! Of all people I would have expected him to be supportive of me. In fact, he is one of the only people who actually know I am trying to get published. I don't tell people because they judge me for it. The fact that he would do so too made me angry.
I didn't tell him, of course but when I got home from the holiday I was so frustrated by the situation that I wasn't able to produce anything at all. I wasn't sure whether I still wanted to get published and the deadline I had set myself seemed impossible and horrible now too. Don't get me wrong, I still want to make it, but the words of my boyfriend clung to me. I will probably fail. I probably won't get published, at least, not at the first try. I will probably need to keep trying for the coming few months with many different publishers before I find one (if I ever do).
It's all good now though. I had a couple of days to think of it all and now I am fresh and ready to keep going on. I might not make the deadline. I might not even get published but this is something I have been busy - on and off - for about 8 years now. It is time I wrap it up, not for anybody else but me.
